


Trolling the Trolls

by ScotCoyjedii



Series: The lovesick fool of a Durin [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Female Bilbo, Female Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I blame trollers, Magic Revealed, Mild Language, Resolved Sexual Tension, SCIENCE!, Shire's an awesome place, i think, unbetaed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-18
Updated: 2016-08-18
Packaged: 2018-07-24 18:21:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7518445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScotCoyjedii/pseuds/ScotCoyjedii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilba is thought to be male for the first half of the beginning of the quest as "Bilbo Baggins" a name which she despises she currently is a pickle with trolls.<br/>Thorin is shocked to see a female in the place of the halfling burglar he really didn't like at any rate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trolling the Trolls

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to enjoy this. ;3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vulgarity and crops will be mentioned!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you know: bestiality is mentioned if only in passing, deadly allergies that are odd to say the best, a passing reference to drug abuse and reference to evil people eating those outside their kind (a small one).

                             Gandalf knew I was female and personally made sure he kept the secret he knew why I did it dwarves get really weird and over protective when their females around. Beings our kind has a slowly recovering male population thus our women are seen as expendable when it comes down to it we either choose to have children or we die alone. Our men however are a different story they usually have a harem surrounding them when their legal age of consent (concubines usually don't join anymore) and the reason why my younger brothers the twins Ashton and Mungus and our kid brother Draco "The Dragon" Baggins. While Ashton is happily married to a dwarrowdam somewhere in the Shire Mungus is in hiding with his ability of masterfully hiding his identity (the fact he had at least fifteen alias's helped a lot) he was good at one thing: Hiding from his now ex-wife. What's better is that he's only twenty one while technically you _can_ marry at nineteen it doesn't happen often not that any of these people know that.

 

 

 

*****

 

                      This day couldn't get any worse. First it rained and after it stopped raining everyone's mood seemed to be sour so I found it necessary to lighten the mood. At least no one asked about the tea leaf pendant that I had on since before I left the Shire.  With all my luck this is the fate I too it will doom myself to being alone forever something my disowned brother Belbo said would happen spitefully.

 

 

 

 

                 Its not like Bagginses are charmed easy by just anyone unfortunately this also means when we fall for someone we fall hard. It was extremely hard on hiding this attraction at all to the point where it can be painfully annoying to hide it or just awkward take your pick. My family always had a thing for dwarves considering that on my fathers side we are 1/7th dwarf our 7th great grandfather was Odin Moonhelm the legendary dwarf while he lived. It doesn't help that we Bagginses aren't naturals at romance like some are we aren't always charming we could be as blunt as dwarves and I could easily say the right things but I chose not to.

 

 

 

 

             Why?  Because gauging on what to say based on another's body language alongside the situation- I deemed this natural ability (which is a stupid thing to have anyway I saw it) too useless a waste a breath and my personal brainpower. Thus I gave up on saying something charmingly seductive a while ago having given up on "feminine wiles" entirely after all I wasn't at all attractive by my species standards. By all means my mother in her prime was considered the drop dead beauty and the most eligible batchelorette in the Shire at one time, even after having the twins due to a magic flower.

 

 

 

 

                I don't have my mother's natural beauty if anything I was nothing special I had a blonde hair color with the same reddish highlights in it that made it shine in the right light, I look most like my father in looks as do my three other flower sisters identical in everything but personality and hair style. By my people's standards I was nice but I was very  normal the only asset that made me attractive as far as I'm concerned is my bosum which is probably the only reason I lost my virginity to a damn wood elf named J-something or other he left me in the inn before I woke up the next morning. I never made the mistake of sleeping with an elf on any occassion or date one of them for that matter I also had bad experience with mannish folk who turned out to be womanizers, dwarves were a bit better but I was never quite right after spending night in hell with the dourhands. I thought Belbo was bad they had no sense of putting anything out of its misery at least he killed to steal their "souls" or something like that. Spending one night in the Dourhand's Dungeons after being dragged away for refusing to marry a Dourhand I just met and took advantage of was far more terrifying than facing anything Belbo could possibly throw at me.  

   

 

 

 

                  Thinking on this for only a moment I thought about it which left me in a pickle as only Onyx and I are not in any committed relationship to speak of. I haven't been in one for a while while Onyx herself is like a female version of Thorin Stormcloud Thrainson. I'm the only one who can bring her out of one of her "moods" which she broods darkly glaring at nothing sometimes for hours forgetting to get up to eat or drink or anything for that matter. The only thing putting a stop to that is the fact she isn't depressed she has a nice paying job but no love life which is expected considering we were never really good with either gender. Though I am a bit more experienced than her considering she pitched the idea of edible underwear as a special kink to me thinking no one would like her idea, I told her the truth it was "bloody genius and I couldn't be prouder of her ingenuity". That's the Took blood alright running through her veins demanding to do ingenuous things that you wouldn't have thought possible before, I still was amused by it the fact it was sold wildly (even the elves got into it) and my sister made millions off her patent.

 

 

 

 

                     

 

                  Ironically she used that money to help build better infrastructure in the shire which helped us recover a great deal after all we still had yet to recover from the attacks by our departed Belbo and the following destruction caused by a minuscule number of orcs. Enough to cause a lot of damage believe it or not, we don't talk about this with other people it was something we kept bottled up.     

 

 

********

 

 

                                 The reason I put a spell on the necklace is to ensure they don't find out about my gender through the enchantment I could fool even the most astute   I put a spell on my necklace on purpose so no one would notice it except a hobbit familiar with typical run of the mill perception magic.  It is possible that someone with active magic who is distantly related to a hobbit could sense the magic creating a almost 'unreal' effect on their ignorant minds ( I mean this in a nicest way as possible!) considering that they would subconsciously recognize it but not be able to define it. Not fully due to not being able to understand the extent of what they are sensing being unable to verify or know how to react like a fish out of water a amateur is simply that an amateur treat them as such with a caring hand to guide them and a voice to help them understand what they sense naturally. This helps them to gradually hone their rusted ability which without any honing is undefined and shaky at best very weak like a dull or blunt blade useful in bludgeoning but cannot cut clearly. This ability once fully honed to peak performance can identify enchantments automatically the feel of enchantments rarely change seals usually are something that has a almost wall like shield feel to it, like your senses are running into a wall without actually doing so.

 

 

 

 

 

           At least they could possibly sense it being unable to understand fully what they are sensing this skill has to be honed by a trained hand, an amateur alone cannot truly understand unless they are taught which is why its usually the first thing that is honed for a magic user of our kind.

 

 

 

 

                Likewise sensing a enchantment is usually the first step for a amateur to becoming skilled is to start small usually with a simple enchantment placed on a object of any size the enchantment's power doesn't change with the size of the object itself. Once a object is enchanted the enchantment becomes invisible to the naked eye not even a elf could sense it! As hobbits can't "see" it after its been cast but a skilled hobbit can "feel" it instead which made it exceptionally useful if you thought about it. Other races don't seem to have this skill either as we have the perception to tell when something is caused by magic either gone wrong or a curse which is why this honing is critical from the age of magic awakening. Sensing curses is critical to attempting to undo them effectively without killing the one who is cursed as a result though you would need someone who is skilled beyond sensing a curse to remove it like myself.

 

 

 

 

 

                       The honing of magic can occur at any age as critical periods don't exist in magic though it is wise to try and train any magic that can be inherited naturally if it's unstable, as in its raw uncontrolled state it might accidentally kill someone or the person wielding it. Whether or not that was their intention at its worst it could very well kill someone again depending on the magic itself and what it is. 

 

 

               Due to this most curses placed upon our kind could be reversed. Any and all curses set upon our kind by elven people whom we made a bad impression on (certain elves are real pricks especially females) because we told them we were half of nothing and in turn they cursed a good five thousand innocent hobbit's with infertility. All of this for something that any self-respecting person would do to defuse by correction the situation something we had to do because we didn't like being called something that insulted not only our  height, pride but our dignity as well. It's like being called half of a person, unimportant, slave (to an extent in the past our kind has been enslaved) such which leaves a bitter mark on our history one that will never go away and a bitter taste, also insulting our species, saying we are all eunuch's, not only that its has undertones of being not worth the effort of being acknowledged as being intelligent.

 

 

 Galadriel and Elrond witnessed the vengeful enchantress of a she-elf in horror trying to stop her both of them failed in return wed completely reversed the curse (it took several months because of the number afflicted by the curse) this was late second age if I recall correctly the magic users created  a new spell meant to rip and destroy a elves soul entirely. The magic is used specifically against elves currently known as "the banned soul render" its use against the family of the she-elf was enough that  it was eventually banned from use with the penalty being death if someone did and we turned the ghastly she-elf to stone. Reflections can indeed turn you into a monster she saw a gorgon a monster that is a being with a snake body and snake hair, except it was her inner self as seen through the pool of reflection.  

 

 

 

  A serious problem for our people for the longest time seemed to stem from us being  taken as a unintelligent beings who taste good the elves and the humans.  The humans were our own kin for Yavanna's sakes! It took years and thousands of generations of getting their arse kicked and handed to them via our kinds secret weapon via the inherited (some magic cannot be learned this is what we call innate magic) destruction magic before they realized our intention was to defend our kind. They had forced our hand too many times pushed our  leaders to the breaking point they gave our ancestors no choice we gave the humans and elves a ultimatum "Cease and desist your attacks, your refusal will result in your complete obliteration"they tried to brush it off but the end result was the attackers being taught a painful lesson. Sometimes your 'prey ' is smarter than they look and can bite back in the end they were punished and we wouldn't accept anything but complete surrender. After all what they did was beyond evil and anything less than that wouldn't suffice in any manner or way.

 

 

 

  Sometimes its the reason why we tend to find people and try to help them as they needed someone to free them as no one came to save us when we needed it so we saved them because we wanted to. Not because we had to, but because it was the right thing to do. That's recent history that no one outside our race knows or cares about not because we had to do it, but it was the right thing to do.

 

 

 

 

                 Which is a reason for me to join the quest it's hobbit mentality is to help those who ask for it because one day you might need help and no one will help if you don't  make a good impression. Mainly to convince them to help you should you require it alongside your own kind. We do it because greed has ruined us before (a very long time ago) causing our complete disregard to royal houses or lords houses in the end the very thing was disused by our people. The houses still exist but their rule over people is lessened to a great extent. Indirectly its the main reason for a vast majority of the first and second age we were belligerent towards elves which is how we learned you could smoke pipeweed ironically, by using the properties of the formerly wild relatively useless plant which has the tendency to make elves high and lose complete inhibition. Tah dah! We came up with a means of keeping the elves at bay stopping one of their raids on our settlements and a means of using the plant. A complete accident like the creation of raisins I don't like them to begin with anyway. After that we started to domesticate the plant to the pipeweed we know and love today.

 

 

 

 

                     Smoking of pipeweed didn't catch on until later and dwarves tend to be the ones who love it the most. I don't grow it though.  

 

 

                     During the First Age our kind was hunted like a prize by silvan elves (the few hobbits that moved outside of our homeland suffered this fate) they knew that we were intelligent enough to harbor the petty-dwarves sending them to our homeland while we suffered. They knew they always knew just like they knew that petty-dwarves were intelligent because everyone knows a rabbit doesn't have the ability to beg for their lives, nor do they look like miniature dwarves. For all they knew they could have been easily dwarfling's. They could pass for them which makes some horrible sense, the tensions were so high between the two races at the time that its likely that they were seen as a target that wouldn't fight back.

 

 

 

                 We managed to save their kind and lie between our teeth sometimes at the cost of our own lives and we still are lying.  We never cracked and we wouldn't have told the elves if we were harboring them anyway. Today they are citizens under our protection its the one great deed that every hobbit can be proud of secretly this. It's something we hold a secret pride in. That we don't break or bend easy to we don't talk about with anyone not even the dwarves. Why would we?

 

 

                  We also are fond of skinchangers who our kind freed from imprisonment and killing any orc or goblin who could of blabbed on the who and what happened tying up any loose ends as a result. We are very thorough on that regard keeping them in the Shire safe from the orc slavers. Not to mention the weak-minded human's who gave them up to the orcs for money instead getting a reward in gold for helping them they were fed to the wargs for their troubles. Orc's are prone to doing that a lot they don't reward unless your both completely evil the dourhands and the orcs seem to be on the same side which is unthinkable.

 

 

 

 

 

                                 Our ninjas tend to intervene in that sort of thing being active well throughout the entirety of Middle Earth having mapped any trails that orcs and goblins use frequently to get from one place to another. We have a series of maps recording literally millions of these trails dating back to the Fall of Sauron ones that not everyone knows about if they know about them at all. Which is very useful to know if your me I might be tempted to donate a few copies to Erebor's library as a gift to Balin and Ori I will have to inform the Ninja's record's keep known only by the code name Vault (dumb code name but he's very good at what he does) of this and have him make accurate copies. I'll have time to do that once I convince this damn leader Thorin to go to Rivendell for a map reading and to send out some information I needed to send to our variant of the spymaster's record keeper. The head of the ninja's I know personally and she has served me and our kingdom well over these years I hope to keep this up for many years to come.         

 

 

 *************

 

                        

                                The perception magic  was useful mainly because  it actually warps your perception of a object enough for you to look over it ,but not notice it until its brought to your attention for any reason really. So your perception of a room or anything worn on your person wasn't really able to be perceived, like lets say an object on someone's person because it can't be clothing for other reasons basically. The magic will not take effect on clothes can't be enchanted in simple terms the enchantment doesn't take well to clothes at all being very easy to wash out for some reason. Though it doesn't wash out of wallets if they are washed no matter what they are made out of anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

                              Specifically an object that has the enchantment on it will save you the hassle of getting your wallet stolen.  It works best on objects that can be easily enchanted wallets and jewelry being two that I can name off the top of my head while my kind isn't big on expensive jewelry though we do appreciate it as being wearable art the Shire has various spots that extremely rare gemstones exist (We'll never tell you where though because that's our little secret).

 

 

               

 

 

              The main reason the magic user created this type of magic at all was to make it so hooligan's couldn't really perceive anything valued to steal like a expert thief would, all this effort to stop his wallet from getting stolen by some random thief and taking his hard earned cash. The genius who created the Magic itself was hailed as a hobbit hero to wallets everywhere, the magic itself is significantly flexible enough to also be  a medium to later create illusion magic.   It could be also extended if you want it to by being specifically warped enough by a practiced user of it could make someone imperceptible. Without being actually invisible just by wearing an enchanted object we usually just enchant jewelry because its easier to enchant and keep track of generally. Any other way tends to just not work for other reasons as I mentioned before. I not only had the metal tea leaf pendant with this enchantment but it also had illusion magic on it making me look male and sound male, but I didn't get 'extras'.  If you want those kinds of 'extras go see the self proclaimed Queen of all dragons Akravias to see if she can turn you into one of her kin (she can do that too!).

 

 

 

 

                That kind of extension otherwise beyond normal limitations usually has exceeded the maximum extension of the illusion  and in turn tends to backfire with explosive result's. Literally it blew up in people that wanted the illusion to be any more realistic than that. If they were unlucky they got turned into enchanted clothing hopefully someone will notice before too long usually a hobbit can then have several people turn them back. Enchanted people who have been turned into inanimate objects usually require twenty expert magic users to 'tear the binding unnatural and return to the physical form' the process can vary, sometimes it can take more than twenty at maximum time it can take a good two weeks. Which is kind of scary if you think about it but their normal human-y mortal stuff remains in stasis. That's the best way to describe the process without confusion or making your head spin with absurdities of description that are more confusing than the one I provided. Believe me when I say they are far more out their descriptions that defy all sense even in magic terms.      

 

 

 

 

                               This is my take on how I got onto this quest and the irritating quirks of my present often idiotic company and stumbles I made along the way. Being the top of my class alchemist and magic user will prove to be useful in this quest for not only their homeland (possibly eternal glory? meh I don't care  for such things) but a new hope for their people to continue to grow. Also the reason why I joined this blasted quest (mainly to irk and make fun of the king in small irritating ways) and to prove that I was more than capable I took on a lich that bested an entire army of elves during the first age I think I can trick a talking overgrown wyrm. Or die trying either way no one will really miss me maybe my sisters would but I do't really have anyone I love dearly.  

* * *

 

                                              That is a problem with magic if done improperly while creating a new type of magic without deep understanding of the 'nature' of magic and how to contain and bend it to your will if something goes terribly wrong. Quite a few foolish hobbit's who were talented mages and enchanters/enchantresses have gotten themselves killed for dueling with magic that by all means shouldn't have existed and thus backfired (while the most hazardous of experimental magic can indeed backfire death isn't always the result of it) quite terribly. Comparatively this only happens when your trying to inherently use unstable magic like a fussion reaction in our science field's own theory. In a nuclear reactor if you do something wrong it will cause a reaction that if you attempt to cut off all power to it the chain reaction will only get worse. While our kind isn't too desperate to use this method of generating electricity having other means of generating electricity. However the theory itself proves a point that inherently the reaction cannot be stopped without creating another reaction that could be worse than the original.

 

 

 

 

 

 

                      It must be contained by knowledge on how to do so effectively and how to control such a reaction. Your trained to do such in the classes to get a magic creation licence, if your good enough you will move onto the next class. If I recall of late very few hobbit's are allowed to create new magic without a official license and training to do so. Training that proscribes ways to deal with magic that is going haywire alongside magical ailments that may befall people (of all backgrounds and races) and cures as well it has proven helpful as alchemy is far better than the stupid kind humans use.

 

 

 

 

 

 

                 Trying to make gold from lead and then their's a "philosophers stone" no such thing exists in either magic or the natural world so why would we waste our valuable magic and research on pathetic quests for amassing impossible wealth. I doubt human's care much for the realistic part that it is impossible but they are stupid enough to try anyway not all people do it anyway so that's good enough for me.  Men are stupid and greedy enough to try and they will fail as many times as they try truly pathetic disgrace to the science and magic that is alchemy without fantastical unreality that men transcribe to it. Its complex indeed but only by manner of what we deem truly magic and alchemy is just another branch of the refined art one which I graduated at the top of my class for.

 

 

 

       Unlike Maiar who use words or staves with glowing rocks in them likely given to them by the Valar themselves. What's unfair to us is that maiar are naturally immortal beings and naturally able to use magic without study, practice and a whole lot of skill.  They possess this at a demigods level that would make even my ancestors envy such skill and refinement of magical potential molding it like it was just some molding clay in their hands. Easy to move to them but to everyone else its like an unmovable object hard like rock while it moved in their hands like soft clay to us it moves like a hard rock. Unmovable in our hands while they may not flaunt their ability unless your Saruman who flaunts his superiority over all the wizards even the kind brown one. Some would envy their ability I don't because the White one is trouble he's been causing as much trouble as the Black one (Sauron's nickname as we personally despise that wretched former-maiar if your sane you will too) after all he had issues with magic exceeding his own technical ability. As even they have their limits the more complex you want it to be the bigger you are thinking the more mana you will use and the more stumbles you will make. While Maiar magic isn't prone to accidentally kill their user (we wish that would happen with the White One) for some reason the probable one is that they are a bit more or less prone to being stable magic on the spot.

 

 

 

 

 

 

                      Or elves who just use words to bend nature to their will, we are capable enough to undo maiar magic with some help  from "the book of the ancestors"  and our magic significantly 'devours' elven magic. By this Maiar magic is complex and if you wish to stop it it needs to be analyzed by a magical reader medium which is the book so you can easily make a strategy to dispel it. With elven magic our magic is too different to coexist peacefully those who tried to do so failed like fire and water neither can exist at the same time. It also can be overpowered by the hobbit magic as hobbit magic is infinitely more powerful consuming it like a roast pork chop as in the long run the offensive capabilities and defensive magic are far better developed where they are hardly developed at all by other magically inclined races. Over use can result in a magic addiction requiring someone go either cold-turkey or have magic-suppressing medicine shoved down their throat and tied up in a locked room being fed and watered during the entire process of course. As a result relying too much on it can be both equally hazardous to our health and the health of others around us as certain types of magic are specifically meant to destroy. Destruction magic for example is able to kill a target instantly just by being hit with the blackish red burst of magic resembling lightning.    

 

 

 

 

                              Maiar magic can be dispelled taking a  but the White Wizard's magic is harder to undo he like Gandalf can create new magic spells on the spot without study which makes our jobs far harder as the white wizard is prone to have morals that are sometimes very lacking. By that I mean that the White one is prone to giving innocent dwarves who can change the course of history gold curses which is far worse than ordinary run of the mill goldsickness. The spell usually has a ulterior motive to attract a drake and force the dwarves to flee lest they gain too much power and influence in a area, it usually has a callist if they reclaim their home years later then the goldsickness like symptoms will take over their minds the closer they get to 'home'. Such doesn't change as if it did then it would attract too much suspicion a hobbit can sense maiar magic like that better than anyone even a magic-nul hobbit can.

 

 

 

 

                         I sensed it in Thorin it was odd because the magic book "the book of the ancestors" made from magic sterile paper (sterile as it needs a sample of either blood or saliva to confirm the severity it absorbs and sterilizes its own paper to analyze the sample) being an original copy meant it was indestructible, it was also slightly warm to the touch like magical tome's of dwarven lore. The cover was blue being handed down to me as being a relative to the Bluebucks which became the entire Baggins family it's cover was made from wyvern hide and it had a magical moving eye that reminded her of a knot found in a tree, the eye was dragonic and fiery red being able to magically project images above it or around it's surroundings completely.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                        It confirmed my suspicions the magic was oddly knotted like something was fighting it the book analyzed such deeper and confirmed that he had a distant ancestor that was hobbit not only that but elf too. Which made slight sense how his mind hasn't been overcome yet, but the book also aged it specifically to get a date and time when the curse's were placed on him. With some curses and magical ailments date and time of catching it are critical because some curses can very easily kill you if you aren't too careful and for ailments the same is true. Which is how I got the dual curses one was placed on him in what I assume to be his late teens pre-fall of Erebor the book took note of that on the page prior a blinking black arrow explaining where to go the letters were specifically in hobbitish. Explaining the time and date, the first curse was completely destroyed no remnants remain of it it likely was the original type of gold curse which led to the curse eventually being tweaked.

 

 

 

 

                      One thing the book mentioned the curse being tweaked indirectly will lead to a deviation of ordinary typical "goldsickness" symptoms that will not effect his personality by all means this isn't at all like it, its basically asymptomatic. For a curse that directly attaches to the nerve centers in the brain and makes them entirely different people **_this_ **  was actually quite pathetic. The aggressive version rewrote the entire curse itself making it a ticking time bomb this one wasn't made to be smooth it screamed direct attack with intention to cause harm to an entire line. Here's my dilemma while Lotusbloom's are indeed rare the family is a very small one having only three members that are mostly hobbit or full hobbit, with the book's confirmation of him being a descendent made this an act of war. While yes his family is mostly dwarf and because Dwalin's family do not have any hobbit blood, Gloin and his brother included and their family, alongside Nori's family do not have anything related to a hobbit in their blood. Likely because from what the book observed they are descended from the children of Durin that were "made" not born twin sons of Durin the Deathless a rare feat that very few are capable of.            

 

 

 

                       With this said not only does this make Thorin one of the Seven but very possibly the head of the Lotusbloom household the household itself is very poor and very close to being near poverty them being of the big 15 hasn't really helped them. They can't agree on leadership either because the house itself is very small despite being a very powerful house once though they have always been pacifists at least in the shire its said that if one of the big 15 (a nickname for the first fifteen houses of hobbit-kind) houses go extinct then the hobbit race will never recover and will follow in their wake a hundred years after. The big 15 is another term for the first fifteen hobbit houses to put it simply they are like our version of the Seven they were the first to emerge along with the mates given to them by Yavanna's hand.  

 

 

 

 

 

                   The fifteen don't necessarily all have members that are magically inclined but even if they can't use magic the houses continued existence is the very key to our own existence and the reason they live in near poverty is the fact that their was a big crop failure in  south farthing this year, too much rain. The crops have been rotting in the fields and the income they could have made has dropped greatly but every farmer in the area is feeling the hurt alongside those pesky 13 year cicada's which are really bad in south farthing this year. Hideous creatures and its really bad enough for fields to sound like it's screaming its creepy enough the veracious pests also smell terrible too.

 

 

            

 

                      Ordinarily I wouldn't invade someones privacy like this but from what I can tell its severe enough to effect him the closer we inch towards the mountain its severe enough to automatically effect his rational thought inside his head. It had to be taken care of tonight however such dispelling wouldn't be easy considering how tangled up it is and being massed right near the base of his skull made it very possible that the moment we leave for Bree it could get worse. It was posed to do so except this one seemed to be aggressive which made it easier to pick out I wouldn't be able to dispel all of it tonight while he slept three minutes and I would have dispelled enough to quell its aggressive nature the rest would take a good twenty minutes to prepare and fifteen to fully dispel if it doesn't kill him. Because of it being a neuroattacking curse made by a maiar it makes the nerves of the person at its worst light up like a Yule tree humans passed out after two minutes and could die in three. It's not us that need to pace ourselves its the fact that I know a dwarf can't handle more than six minutes intervals and they tend to pass out in pain in four.

 

 

                       So I got the most aggressive parts that would react the most to the catalyst an easy thing by taking that part out it actually weakens the spell to the extent where I won't have to wait a day to finish or even continue dispelling. A easy part of the gold curse to simply sever and make the dispeller's life a whole lot easier the problem here was the curse was different like he had a normal gold curse on top of a aggressive gold curse. Which would explain why their is so much bad mojo enough to sense it which usually takes quite a lot because it was a bad variation of the same thing, maybe the gold curse wasn't working fast enough? No, the simple gold curse was acting like a tame puppy dog (as close as its going to get) the hobbit blood in him isn't enough to attack it all. Nor does explain what's making it a knotted mass of magical potential curse energy which is bad the explanation the book gave me under the diagram of a normal dwarf the nerves and blood vessels showing the magical mass the original curse was gold and the aggressive version in orange. The book after a bit confirmed that he had the rare and coveted Active Creation Magic.

 

 

                The Lotusbloom's were the only people to have this sort of magic and like destruction magic, like dragon taming magic cannot be learned it's one of those rare types that specifically can only be inherited and all the current users of active creation magic are able to be counted on my one hand. Usually it's passive and if you have passive it cannot become active ever. It's just the way such magic works it is also is the main reason why very few hobbits have it only three are directly descended from Rose Lotusbloom first born hobbit children. The rest of her children were half dwarf. Anyway I got rid of the worst of it I would have enough supplies to get rid of the rest of it in Rivendell course I would have to talk him into it and explain why I had to the best I could. I doubted that it would go over well though he might not like to know that I removed the curse without his fore knowledge while he slept, of course that sounds creepy and  disturbing to me too! Yup that's going to automatically make him wig out and refuse to be around me at night.  

 

               I thought back to the dwarves how would Thorin react to me violating his privacy like that when he just met me though he did insult me but that didn't make it excusable. It was bad enough to make me worry automatically the moment he stepped into my home it hit me like a metaphorical electrified frying pan and then hit straight in the middle while the stick was held out horizontally while I was running right in front of me suddenly. I didn't show it  but the curse was too powerful to be a single one which is what I sensed overpoweringly. Balin noticed I'm sure especially when he noticed that odd book Balin mentioned that it was odd for anyone to have a book with not only a creepy look but a strange lock as well (it wasn't a lock per se but close enough). Dwalin noticed that I went a few shades paler when I opened the book Balin was half right the book itself wouldn't open for just anyone you had to be part of the big 15. Their more to that story but now isn't the time to allow my mind to wander still Dwalin got a glimpse of what I was looking at and the diagram was magical to a great extent having no idea why I was doing such a thing or why I was pale.

 

 

 

**************

                       The only reason I held onto the necklace and had it on was for personal reasons I didn't want them to know my gender not yet unfortunately they might figure it out if they see me in the buff they'll figure it out that or think I'm transexual without balls I have no problem with it really. I deal with stranger things than that on a daily basis than being told that even though biologically I'm technically female they would probably think something completely different possibly because I have no idea how they would react to that. Nor do I intend to find out if I have any say in it currently I think I can keep the secret even though it might make things difficult in getting our leader to agree to get the rest of his gold curse removed. I need his full consent and I currently have the supplies I need to do such in Rivendell. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                 That and I _k_ _now_ they wouldn't have let me come if they knew I was female especially a female outside their own race. Thorin I think believed my entire race to be weak and soft like a tomato or something that's the only way I could describe his mild annoyance and often disgust towards asking for help from a "halfling".

 

 

 

 

   *********

                         Thorin seemed to not enjoy my company at all once we were on the road maybe because I didn't follow orders blindly especially if they are stupid orders that may or may not get someone killed for following them. Like his company nearly poisoning us with nearly identical magic mushrooms that don't show their poison off like other poisonous mushroom caps you have to cut the stem open for some species to get a good identification. Positive identification of mushrooms is key especially with wild mushrooms hobbits are raised to know the difference from a very young age no matter the household its a staple of our diet because its impossible to burn mushrooms because they are like mini sponges being unique. And no they aren't plants only a fool would think so.

 

 

 

                       Thorin was considerably pissed off when I asked to see the mushrooms they brought from the forest the mushroom they thought they had has five near identical types Thorin and Fili protested saying they were fine. I told them no it wasn't unless you would rather not die either choking on your own blood (blue shadow fungus), vomit (pepper fungus) or something also equally horrible they would let me check. The other five types were nearly impossible to tell apart except for the color of the vein inside the stem the edible one had a pure white vein which meant it was edible you would be surprised how often people misidentify mushrooms. Usually paying the price for their idiocy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

                    None of the mushrooms I cut open had that however the vein was a vivid purple, no mushroom that is poisonous can have their poison broken down by cooking it as I said before mushrooms aren't able to be burnt (some can but those species are rare and aren't found around here being virtually extinct). That and despite poisonous plants sometimes being very terrible tasting this isn't the case with poisonous mushrooms several poisonous mushrooms actually taste reportedly "very good". The ones they picked contain a hallucinogen which acts a means to end as it can keep a person from getting help because their too high to tell what is real anymore that and it also causes neurotoxins to take over after 6 hours (you won't believe how they lose track of time) after that the toxin is circulating around and releases something else that causes destruction to your blood cells. For us this is typical everyday knowledge we understand the effects to a scientific level (what? not everyone is capable of using magic).

 

 

 

 

 

                  The mushrooms they picked are called Fairy's Doom and are the most toxic mushrooms found in this region they have enough  strength to kill twenty grown men within a few days.

 

                        "What?" Fili asked after I opened them all up at the stem noticing how pale I went instantly. The dwarves seemed very surprised that I did it myself like I was useless as I was stupid at least compared to them.  They were probably wondering why I was doing this. What was the point of me doing this was their even a point? I don't even think they realize I'm far smarter than I look.

 

 

 

 

 

              I'm about to freak out on them because this isn't a laughing matter in fact these mushrooms shouldn't have been picked at all! Any self respecting hobbit knows better we hobbit's pride ourselves in our mushroom identification but knowing that other races have erroneous myths about mushrooms (I'm not sure about elves) and which ones are edible or not. Any self respecting hobbit worth his or her salt knows if it resembles too many than you recall a location the edible mushroom loves growing. With this the mushroom they were looking for is known to us as Bear's harp and it doesn't grow anywhere around here.Iit likes leaf litter and dead logs and is prone to growing near marshes or near swamps their cousins in that area are cool looking a greenish color with a slight glow to it at night. Bugs also may infect edible or not edible mushrooms so that myth is fairly stupid as well. From what I can tell none of these dwarves knew that Bear's harp _cannot_ grow in area's prone or being set up for wildfire this season the ground wasn't constantly moist enough for it to grow. Bear's harp was fortunate to be specific like that not all mushrooms are like that.     

 

 

 

 

                        "You are a complete moronic dwarf!!!! WHAT IN THE NAME OF ERU ILÚVATAR WERE YOU THINKING ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US!!!!" I roared at a startled Fili who was taken aback by reaction  flinching.  I had every reason to act this way and be righteously furious the type of mushroom they picked were considered too dangerous to touch (misconception or not it wasn't to be trifled with). A common misconception but we weren't ones to take chances like this one its capable of attacking your neuro-system and destroying your blood cells. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                "You picked a Fairy's Doom mushroom, get rid of them unless you want to die a painful death that involves your blood being destroyed after you run around hallucinating for a few hours be my bloody guest!" I spat at him he didn't expect that. Yup tomorrow I was going to be hoarse I can already tell that much. Ironic despite being technically female my voice can still go hoarse in this illusion. Very cleaver complex strands of magic too complex to fully divulge I would end up boring people if I went into full details.    

     

 

 

                               Thorin didn't expect that but he still didn't appreciate what I had to say or the fact I made a scene about it making him look like an idiot. A very handsomely distinguished majestic idiot who wouldn't see anything in me even if I was the last person on the planet. Because of this I am trying to push him away so he doesn't ever find out I'm female and if he does I have a plan. Make him hate me before hand believe me its actually very easy considering how proud and egotistical dwarves can be and its good for him I want him to hate me at the end of this. It's the only way I can refuse despite my stupid crush on the noble. I would hate to be the reason to cause his family more problems than they probably already have. Its not like my line doesn't exactly have madness per se but Belbo (who had no mental illness to speak of in the end he just hated everyone) still reigns king in my head because no matter what you do he will still always be related to your blood. The dishonor and shame is probably what holds me back from having kids and getting married I swore that I would try to make up for the shame even if it wasn't my fault. It feels like it is though which is the problem with me I simply can't let myself the possibility anymore its not worth the risk at all.

 

 

 

 

            I had every reason to be angry because had we eaten them the venture would have been over before it started, Gloin wouldn't see his family again and Bombur wouldn't continue to court his beloved he talked about earlier. Typical aristocrat they don't like the demeanor I hold around them which I use around them to annoy or piss them off, maybe even bring them down from that high horse and back to earth. Maybe then that will bring them back to their senses unlikely as that seems at all. Hadn't I flipped out and did something to stop them from killing us they would have only  left behind only broken dreams and promises.

 

 

 

 

 

                            That and I automatically liked the Ur's I told Bofur after a pint in the Prancing Pony that when this is over that I should introduce him to my cousin Dora Baggins. I figured the two might get along. Bofur told me he might set me up with someone too I told him I wished to remain alone while kids seemed nice having a spouse didn't (not after the last incident with the Dourhands). I refused giving him a vague idea of my terrible dalliances and the fact I problem would never settle down in your typical sense of the word finding it easier to just remain alone even if I wanted kids. Bofur thought I was craftwed as a result when I said that I used to be a famous band singer but I retired due to a crazed fan. That crazed fan nearly killed my entire band out of spite. My band mates settled down too they had to though I do not believe they were married hell they knew if they would get married that I requested to be invited. I went into wood carving like my great granddad Bofur got really excited at that thus our relationship began much to Thorin's great irritation he didn't need another round of wood lectures!

 

 

 

 

 

 

                   We've been exchanging wood carving tips ever since. He makes toys I make pretty much I anything I'm not exactly limited to different types of wood either I mention the different types of hardwoods I found the hardest or the prettiest when glazed. Purple heartwood was a favorite of mine but it returns to a brownish color or purple-y brown if not glazed with a UV protection glaze. I lost count of the times we brought it up we also crack otherwise vulgar jokes too.   

 

 

 

 

 

                 My people on the other hand did away with royal houses and upper lords houses long ago. Which explains my lack of respect for them as I see them just as normal people with just a lot of influence. They were done away with for several reasons it wasn't fair to others for the ones who weren't in power were the ones to suffer while the ones with power abused it or used it in a way that would be considered impossible. Ethics and standards changed pretty quickly after that. Houses of Lord and the like were done away with giving the former normal peasantry a chance at an equal opportunity. Without this change those who aren't fortunate enough to be born to power or wealth back then were illiterate fools and pawns to the people above them: to be abused in whichever way their lords and masters saw fit.

 

 

 

 

 

            Lets just say the entire reason we don't have either in short it involved a woman who was a countess and believed that bathing in virgin women's blood and stuff  would keep her young and beautiful forever. She had no children to the then deceased count (court intrigue tends to do that like a endless game of chess where you are the chess pieces) one of the vengeful villagers lost their favorite daughter when she demanded more ladies-in-waiting from the towns folk an unusual thing if you thought about it. Ladies-in-waiting usually are literate or are requested from other places usually being part of a peerage but she wasn't high enough up the ladder to even have a peerage so the story goes. The brave villager borrowed a sliepnia using his youngest as collateral for a reason if he did because she was under the age of six she couldn't be taken by the Countess the villager asked all these specific questions to his friend who happened to be a early version of a lawyer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

           That knowledge came in use twenty years after the conversation a law abiding citizen to the fullest extent illiterate or not he knew that he must do something. According to the old story he promised his friend he would return who was worried that he wouldn't return, he did and brought our people's entire wrath down upon her the town was freed from terror. The other lords listened to his pleas because he was a rare informed peasant who according to the records was an outstanding citizen.

 

 

 

 

 

                                    That's why my people don't have the same lords system everyone else does because of the truth they found in her walls it was horrific they kept her in a different castle keep for the rest of her life a prisoner inside her own family's castle (hobbit castles were small in comparison but still held the same design humans did). They are rare today because not many people could afford to build them and the surviving keeps were donated to the federal government of that area. Another reason why I don't respect him is that he will make mistakes he is mortal like everyone else even if he is an un-coronated king (the main reason for that is the fact he refused to be coronated and call Erebor 'lost' like the grey mountains) I don't blame him for not wanting to move the 'throne' to the Blue Mountain's probably because of his own pride it could get confusing. More confusing than it already is while it could be considered a wise choice if it was simply so easy as expecting a dragon to be dead which is unlikely by the way.

 

 

 

 

           Thorin who has been waiting for over a hundred years seems a bit much if you asked me. I mentioned it after leaving Bree Thorin was growly about it Balin personally didn't understand what I meant. I meant that it seemed a bit stubborn even for a dwarf to the extent where it could be considered unreasonably ridiculous if he waited longer that like dying longing for something that could kill you. Like a chocolate allergy and you love chocolate.

 

 

 

 

                                       I don't think he took kindly being called foolish even if I implied it. It's not like I said it out loud its not like he was a nice person who is somewhat reasonable to deal with  he constantly was a pain berating me for foolish mistakes that anyone could have made. I berated him back for expecting me to follow them in a river that crossed our paths. Gandalf managed to create a bridge by means of maiar magic I daren't  question for the pony's, but not with riders it wouldn't take the extra weight maiar magic is limited indeed the mental focus is a main thing when involving nature magic. That and it would be like him carrying the weight of the pony's without tack at least inside his head not physically otherwise he would lose his concentration and collapse due to the weight. The weight I refer to is known as the maiar drawback if you're using magic like this to make a magical bridge out of tree roots then the concentration is in loop to directly keep it stable he's using his magic to ensure it obeys unnaturally. His magic isn't permanent;however, a corrupt maiar's magic is like Sauron and the plagues he created for humans and hobbits  and the greed he infused into old generation dragons only about a dozen though as greed infusion is complex and takes years to rebuild up enough magic to do it again. With Gandalf the magic was very noticeable at least to me for him it could be easy because he's literally thousands of years old.

 

 

 

 

                         This case the weight is the literal weight of the ponies in short its like feeling every stomp and hoof beat on the bridge as literal weight on the entwined magic that fed back to the old maiar the weight for him wasn't more than a mild case of irritation. If he really wanted to he could make it stable for both but it could collapse as that magic itself was harder to maintain and required absolute silence which  out in the wilds is impossible. No doubt he made a wise choice however my inability to swim irritated Thorin till I explained very few hobbit's could swim as we are prone to drowning. I can't swim and I don't necessarily like swimming with the fishes. So I ended up being helped out by Bofur who carried me on his back. He seemed a bit freaked out about something later asking me a bunch of questions in private away from camp and out of ear shot from the others. I kind of figured what my illusion wasn't perfect for a reason I explained why I lied to everyone. Taking off the necklace he likely didn't notice I had until I pointed it out and usually they don't notice it until then that's when he realized fully the extent of my deception. It took a minute to sink in.    

 

 

 

 

                    Afterward's he was asking a whole bunch of questions not about the why anymore but whether or not I realized the consequences if I ended up getting killed. Bofur tried to tell me that every contract has a loophole. I refused to listen saying that the main reason I came is because his leader had a nasty case of gold curse on him. It was overpowering even when he walked into my home I explained to Bofur that while I managed to dispel the worst of it and sever the catalyst itself. If it isn't completely taken care of before the end of the quest he will be lost to us.

 

 

 

               

                 I explained that if it was left alone it would have worsened his condition, but their is no guarantee if I don't completely dispel the curse before we reach the mountain it could very well cause it to not only take over his mind because the entire catatlyst thread of magic is a long one. As I severed most of the threads of magic creating the catalyst. The rest can be severed with the complete dispel if I don't manage to do that he will very likely succumb to it except unlike gold sickness due to me meddling and half dispelling the worst of it.  A near death of experience won't bring him out of it unlike your typical goldsickness for dwarves. He'll be lost to it forever and the spell has potential for accidentally back firing and creating a lich upon his death. Doomed to walk the realm of  mortals forever causing only pain and misery with the face of a dwarf king. No doubt a terrifying last sight not only that but if put in the presence of that horde.

 

 

 

 

               The end result would catastrophic without completely dispelling the curse itself can overpower not only his entire personality, but spread to nearly every dwarf in the vicinity who could be following his fate if allowed to stay in the presence of the gold catalyst for too long. Which will change from near location to the horde itself if I don't completely dispell it.

 

 

 

                    I mentioned while the original catalyst was easy to guess via the Book of the Ancestors the new one will be inside it as it will choose the most corrupting force in that which would be the spells original intention to create greed through a curse that resembles gold sickness. Greed is a great corrupter for dwarves especially who this curse is made specifically for, the curse can work on humans but usually people end up killing that person anyway randomly. By now I explained that those who are infected could very well become lich's of lesser power upon death.  Liches of that kind tend to kill family members out of the feeling  'to become whole' their being retains some memory and sanity they ;however, can be ruled over by the main lich and all the others much obey whether they want to or not.

 

 

 

 

         The minor lich's are easily killed they return to their normal corpse form after being permanently slain. The main lich  becomes a problem because he can raise an army of the dead even after his minor lich under him are dead recently dead on the battle field be they orc's or otherwise, skeleton warriors (completely skeleton undead loyal mindlessly to their master), draug (not skeleton warriors but usually mummified through age and time but still very almost skeletal) they also reek like you would expect for someone who's been dead for a long time. Surprisingly of dust not decay I had a few run in's with a lich before a insanely powerful one the longer they are allowed to roam without being put down the more powerful they get their power doubles every twenty years and they don't show signs of decay or being undead. Other than the fact their eyes glow a paler color than their eyes were in life and the fact they don't need to eat,sleep, or avoid the elements they can feel pain somehow despite being nothing more than nothing like they were in life.

 

                  

 

                                       When I mentioned this I never seen Bofur so scared in his life he asked who I met that was a lich. The lich was a Stormfist once known as Thrain (apparently a very common name) from the second age he was so overpowered it wasn't even funny but if you kill a lich they can find peace and their memory and personality returns then only then upon their death. The other was far more dangerous roaming the Grey Mountains endlessly searching for something or someone to join him. I didn't mention a name as he left me in the silence of the woods I knew that the lich of the Grey Mountain's would be my next pest to defeat, but it's kind of hard when somehow he managed to get a undead dragon on his side.  Its hard enough to kill a living cold-drake how do you kill something that near impossible to kill to begin with that can't being forced to waste away without food or water. Oh and their is the thing it somehow manages to breath fire when it's literally nothing more than a draug.  His name was Dain I in life and currently I'm still trying to figure out how to kill something like that.   

 

          *******

               After a while I figured out that besides Gloin (Balin's wife predeceased him leaving behind a son) and Bombur who was still courting his beloved other than those two no one really had any time for romance like that. They usually ended up in bromances or doing both.

 

 

 

 

 

                Thorin mentioned that was private it left a few people sputtering when I asked him if he or his fellows ever tried using edible underwear. 

 

 

 

 

              "Let me guess none oof you have ever tried edible underwear? Its great if your having fun with the same sex."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

           "W-what!?" Thorin sputtered it was late in the day we were making camp and he was drinking from a canteen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

            "You lot must live a sad existence. Considering its probably our biggest export if you believe it over food and alcohol." I teased the  king who was sputtering red faced at the vulgarity.  Nori loved the idea.

 

 

 

 

 

       "Pure genuis! You could make off a fortune with that idea tell me where do I get one of these?" Nori grinned lecherously.

 

 

 

 

 

          "So you want some?" I countered.

 

 

 

 

 

 

          "YES!" Nori shouted much to the surprise I went over to him and told him that their are some in Rivendell. He didn't seem to care because it wasn't made by elves I assure you they actually are very good unlike the spin off those blasted humans made even the elves tried their hand at it it tasted rubbery. I know I used to test my sisters version with various different recipes eventually finding the right one. The conversation still brought a smile to my face.

           

 

 

               Or like the next day I mentioned a few recipes to my dear friend Bombur who almost drooled at the mentioned of desserts my family was famous for. My mother used to make cakes and sweets in her later years while my Grandma Took used to make wedding cakes and cakes in general for all sorts of events. I remember the one year for my birthday she even made a cake that looked like it had a geode running through it. The company was intrigued like it never occurred to them that you could even do that at all. The company tuned into the recipe itself considering making cakes is no secret to anyone and my family was famous for our cake making skills something I had learned very early in my life. Sharing the secrets with them alongside the secret to make mirror cake glaze perfectly and edible sparkles something that surprised the company of dwarves but for us food is something we take pride in. That and being welcoming after all manners are very important to us even if your unpleasant like Thorin is mannner-less he didn't even realize how rude he was to me  or he simply didn't care.

 

 

 

 

 

 

              "Wait, mannerless? Does that really matter?" Fili asked his Uncle seemed to agree with that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

         "Yes you mannerless dwarf. How else are you going to get along with anyone especially if they are greedy little dickheads?" I countered sharply I regretted it instantaneously after all old habits die hard. Then again they were cruder than I was on a bad day anyway. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

          They looked at me dumbfounded like a deer caught in torchlight like  they had no idea what I just said.

 

 

 

 

 

 

          "What's a dick?" Thorin asked I face palmed this was so sad terribly so. How do I get myself into this kind of conversation, more precisely with someone who is easily over a hundred years old.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

       "Your manhood you fucking moron! You realize I shouldn't have to explain this to someone who socially inept as yourself and is over a hundred years old,  its very embarrassing to explain to anyone who isn't a teenager. If you bothered to even understand other races terminology we wouldn't have this conversation." I was embarrassed  beyond belief red faced and everything. 

  

 

 

 

 

 

****

            I was surprised a litttle men of other races must have boring gossip circles without being open to having sex with any gender though with dwarves its hard to tell. They are cagy about whether or not they care.  Our people were very open their were like always some sticks in the mud were against it , but you either have relations with both sexes or you fuck a goat which is illegal in the shire. It's not enforced. I made mention of it later the same week of the company traveling together. 

 

 

 

 

          Dwalin and the other dwarves were visibly disgusted by that statement apparently not many dwarves liked the idea of people fucking farm animals. Or any animal not that the thought ever occurred to them mainly because some people are actually allergic to seed of another (that must be terrible if  your a lady and even horrific if your a guy) though I would never say that out loud, my cousin who by the way was a drug addict during one of his highs fucked a dog before realizing that he had a allergy to dog seed. He died terribly. I hate to admit it but I hated him and I didn't attend his funeral because he had groped me when we was younger even though we are at least 17th cousins we never got along.

 

 

 

 

              He never seemed to understand I didn't like him and his brain was too fried to understand or contemplate why I found him so disgusting. He had no concept of bathing since he got addicted and hung out with humans who were pieces of work who also had no concept of bathing. Most if not nearly all the good people (children hated bathing naturally there were ways to get around this) did bathe some people enjoyed doing so. The hobbitman was filth and thusly no one would dare marry him even if hobbitmen weren't as numerous as they were before. We were many things but we had _some_   standard and dignity while others didn't seem to care about that enough to be weak willed enough to try and avoid their actual problems. Which resulted in them basically being seen as a lost cause being leeches of the worst kind and seen as street trash to be avoided at all costs.

 

 

 

               "Note to self remember to ban bestiality when we reclaim Erebor." Thorin muttered mostly to himself.

 

 

 

 

 

              "No doubt they'll thank you for it." I rolled my eyes. It was considered a form of animal abuse in the Shire a belief I could stand behind because not only was it that but you could get seriously hurt too.

 

 

 

 

                 

 

 

                "Can you for once stop being a complete arse?" Thorin snapped at me his blue eyes narrowed as he turned  his head in  my direction not far behind him on my pony. I rolled my eyes I found his irritation amusing he had no idea how irritating he is when it comes to elves. Not every elf is out to get you and Thranduil is about as greedy as they come and you will have to be the better person and give him what he wants. Because he won't be the better person any way I see it, I've been to his domain the only way I got out was by blowing the dungeon door away with my destruction magic also to spite him I took out several other unoccupied cells just to recover my cousin who eloped when he thought we wouldn't approve of his wife. We didn't care and I spent the next six months in his dungeons because he thought I was lying when I was telling the truth apparently the elf couldn't tell the difference anymore. I still had the scars from his torture methods and he had a tendency to personally humiliate me of all people he is the least  deserving of the title "king" his son is far more worthy of it. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

            "Why don't you stop being a narcissistic snob of a aristocrat." I shot back, that riled him up good he wasn't a narcissist I personally knew that much but I liked pissing him off it was fun. Though the others didn't agree with this finding it tedious and annoying after a while. Dwalin mentioned that if I had a beard he would shave it just because of the pain I caused by getting their leader riled up.  I might have  mentioned his half-brother Odin (the older twin brother to Pippin) however was slightly also a complete fetishist not exactly a bad thing until you realize he likes drugging women who would have done the deed without it. He likes a quiet completely at his mercy woman completely dependent on his mercy from what I could tell Odin suffered early on from his father just ignoring him. I didn't mention; however, his father Thrain mentioned once something about his mother being murdered too I don't think that was an accident the way he said it even drunk alongside that dark sparkle in his eye said everything I needed to know. I don't like Thrain that much the feeling is mutual their is more to it than what I just mentioned. 

 

 

 

     

      I seriously doubt any of  the remaining dwarves are into a physical romantic relationship anyway most of them are (possibly) craftwed.

 

 

 

 

            Dori I told him outright if we make it through this I make him actual tea.  When he asked me what I meant is that I make herbal tea flavors in at least three hundred varieties, it isn't easy to do if your an amateur. Its actually probably far easier to grow tea than to go through the process of actually processing it to make tea that you find in teabags. I mentioned owning a few vineyards too because the Sackville-Bagginses would have sold them for profit not caring if it's been "Family owned" for over three hundred years, they don't really care much for sentiment or "the right thing" or "normal hobbit morality". I run them because they supply the local winery and most wineries in the Shire as well, and somehow people managed to get me involved into the tea making field as well which is why I somehow got farmland.

 

 

 

                      Lots farming requires a lot of planning and understanding (and work) both rotations of soy beans to replenish the soil of nutrients it lost on odd years and then not plowing it at all allowing the soil to rest for a year, alongside a tea crop being on the field rotation. At least a few of the dwarves themselves seemed to be interested in this conversation before long it devolved into a far more complex matter of why we don't cheat dwarves. This was a few days before we ran into those trolls.

                    

* * *

 

                          A few days prior to the troll incident:

                      Dori asked a bunch of questions on tea crop farming I answered all of them with my unlimited patience Dori was full of questions in regards to tea something I could respect. I joked about Nori attempting to steal my silver spoons thinking I was offended he apologized so I rectified that by saying they might actually be better off in his hands. He like the rest of the company was surprised by this I explained that I liked the Ri's well enough and his pointed hair amused me, so yes he could have my silverware. Besides it's one more thing I don't have to worry about Lobelia or the wretched mother of hers stealing from me because not even a foolish hobbit would dare cheat or steal from a dwarf. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                "Why wouldn't a halfling dare cheat or steal from a dwarf?" Ori asked as curious as everyone else. They hadn't expected that coming from me considering my mother's relationship with the dwarves she's probably the main reason dwarf good's are imported  _still_ to this very day. My mothers best friends were dwarves and she had a good relationship with not only the Iron Hills dwarves but the Ironfists which I'm under the impression is near impossible well apparently they never heard of my mother's world famous peach cobbler. You could tame any delegation and even make a new ally with the stuff as my mother proved that food is indeed greater than _magic_ as my mother was nearly magic-nul at the end of her fifties. Atypical for the magic of hobbits to degenerate like that but all good things come to a end and of course it didn't bother her to much.

 

 

 

 

 

 

                  If it happens to  me well I'll be happy to be normal and possibly go back on tour -maybe. After this quest I'm probably going to have to just  to keep my sanity in check the band mates that replaced our drummer and backup bassist are still alive I'll talk with them  after this. Specifically about a reunion tour it'll make our old fans squee and the new ones will be even better.   

 

 

   

                    The less these guys know about the Foxburne 6 the better course with me actually being  "a male hobbit" would have made that hard, besides every fool who's a fan of the famous rock n roll band Foxburne 6 knows that the lead singer "Blade" (my former stage name was given to my band mate after the accident and our recovery) uses hair gel Surpreno number 4 and has black hair. My secret is temporary hair die that doesn't stain my hair like it normally would with our kinds specialized oils known as Tropical refreshing, dumb name for a oil for cleaning your hair but it works and  it doesn't give me hives. I'm allergic to the other one. I'm thinking we need a mandolin and a electric violin player this reunion tour. I might end up being forced to give them autographs for lying to them about it I dread the thousands of autographs I even signed them differently that I usually would keeping true to my inner wild child which was true to my inner Took. 

 

 

 

               "Theirs the likelihood that you'll get tossed around like a ragdoll or depending how drunk the dwarf is and whether the offender in question is drunk, or beat up. Unless your female and very crafty enough to stun them and run away with nothing." I countered, my illusion spell enchantment on my necklace was flawless they wouldn't catch on at least until I stripped... I figured it could be problematic. Considering the fact that Fili & Kili were complete arses at time which led to me tearing them down when I mentioned human ladies sometimes went for the guys with the bigger manhoods (or nicer personality usually the nice personality makes everything better) and so did some hobbit women who also loved men with facial hair. 'They think its sexy' which made every dwarf blush I mentioned the slowly climbing population of our species men which made a lot of our kind marry off Bagginses are prone to marrying either hobbits or dwarves. No ones exactly sure why no one in the Baggins family hasn't married a human or a elf yet but no one questions it.   

 

 

 

 

 

              _Like we don't question the Grey Wizard Gandalf's usefulness_ I thought to myself.

 

 

 

              "How exactly would a female halfling stun a dwarf?" Thorin asked curiously raising both his brows intently,  _amazing the arsehole is actually not being a arsehole like his arse father and sheriff of Tookland I despise. And talking to me like a normal not so smug aristocrat I personally want to throttle half the time, It's a bloody miracle!_ I quipped to myself sarcastically inside my mind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

        "Considering that we can tell when a dwarf is male or female..." I began before being rudely cut off by Dwalin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

               "How can you-" Dwalin growled, _clothead an insufferably rude clothead. The Ironfist's have better manners and they have a terrible reputation due to a terribly tragedy they had no control over, all due to a immense klutz_.  ~~~~ _Go figure that's just typical, they seem to have the same luck as I do. Considering that was over four hundred years ago and their supposed  "xenophobia" doesn't add up they let their kids marry whomever they want even if their from a different species. No matter they have far better manners than half of these lot! I ranted to myself once again inside my head._  

 

 

 

 

 

 

          "I'm not an idiot like those men and neither is the rest of my race even the ones who have about the originality and brilliance of a soft shelled turtle can tell the difference. Those of the race of men are often too ignorant or too stupid for their own good to realize that as a fact. Even a complete moron knows that you need females to procreate unless you're those freaky all female lizards in the desert. Which I doubt, for obvious reasons." I said giving the 'are-you-kidding-me' look to Dwalin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

            "Fair point."Dwalin said having nothing left to say. Good actually using that head too much might hurt his already sun burnt shaved head, at least I hoped silently he got sun burnt for being a general rude person. Though it was that time of the month I tend to get a bit meaner inside my head and irritated though I hid it masterfully. Most twenty year old's would have failed epic-ly at that but no. I was thirty three I was a master at mind games (riddles that is!), singing (obviously professionally), and containing and/or hiding my true feelings and emotions from someone I'm irritated at.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

           "Lad yer alright, when we win back Erebor stay a while so ye can meet me wife Eir." Gloin said clapping me on the back. I didn't see that coming surprised he was warming up to me mainly because I told him about my family 'too many names to remember' and too many birthday's to remember half of which I can't be invited to.

 

 

 

 

               For various reasons we are reasonable folk when it comes to birthdays for children we may give gifts to our guest but too many would be too much to even the most reasonable person. They were originally surprised by this they had thought that to be just a old story and rumors spread by mannish origin whose truth cannot be truly verified anyhow. We are raised on generosity because of the past bad things happened before the Shire was bought the end result lead to the end of our kind fuedalist era and another three Great Awakening's. The term confounded the dwarves and this would be the first time even Gandalf heard of it so he was surprised exceptionally, ordinarily he expected to have learned most of hobbit history but even we have our secrets. The Great Awakening referred to a period in time when their was a lot of what some would call today the Renaissance feeling to it sciences, medicine and arts jumped forward the philosophy of the time is a really good read despite it being written in middle hobbitish currently a dead language.

 

 

 

 

 

 

                          The second and third went through similar eras the third gave us our people's technological advances that we continue to advance upon even seven hundred years after the end of the Third though some would say it sounds like a religious revival ours was not. We gave Yavanna something in turn I didn't say what we had churches dedicated to her and Mahal because of our mix between dwarf and hobbit's living in the Shire. Though I didn't mention we still outnumber the members of our community that are dwarf.

 

 

 

 

                  My people like dwarves though not everyone shows it openly Thorin seemed surprised by this I mentioned that my younger brother married a dam up in the Iron Hills. My people tend to like Dain because well went he's not flirting with our women he's fairly nice, though he best be careful I'm pretty sure the last time he flirted with someone he ended up flirting with Farmer Maggot's wife Glory. I'm surprised that Farmer Maggot showed some restraint to not attempt to kill him like the last fool that did that to his wife he's known to be a bit too vicious even for a hobbit. He's over protective of his crops too like his wife who he loves very much still it would have been funny to watch Dain take a shovel to the head.     

 

 

 

 

                        I'm not exactly sure if that would be enough to kill the dwarf though Farmer Maggot has a horrible swing because any stronger and he won't knock you on your ass he'll be digging your grave. Thinking about it gave me a little bit of amusement but considering my family doesn't exactly have a good relationship even though I repaid him for the crops my siblings and I stole as fauntlings and tweens.

 

 

 

 

 

          "Still how would a female hobbit get away?" Fili asked me I looked at him surprised, _do their women have no sense of when to use their assets to their advantage? Course for some of our kind time and place can actually ruin your life especially depending on their where you're doing it and to_ _whom_. I thought.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

              "By flashing her tits in all their glory to the dwarf in question." I deadpanned letting a slight smile appear on my face. All the dwarves jaws dropped a few were left sputtering including Thorin Oakenshield (he was usually such a royal pain in the arse and a snooty aristocrat) it was little bit amusing to watch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

            "Have your women no dignity?" Thorin sputtered red faced, the look of shock on every dwarves face  in the company said it all too. As they all looked at me like I grew two heads and a third eye (maybe a tail too because why not! I have an overactive imagination anyway helps with on the spot songwriting). Apparently that wasn't something a dwarrowdam would do at all in retrospect they're probably the smartest of the bunch too considering that flashing some nip might end up ruining you as well, especially if it's a man they are known to not allow such females to run away which is the main reason hobbit's when leaving the Shire or even outside the Shire always travel in groups greater than four.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

          "Oh we do. Our women out number the men of late actually, they just are more willing to use their _assets_  to their advantage. Considering  that our men are usually immune to such tactics other races not even elves are immune in public." I said they looked at me like I was nuts. Understandable really we do come from entirely different cultures and this just happens to be the biggest culture shock of them all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

            "I've caught at least a dozen tweens shagging in my backyard bushes and in my fields too after a while you simply don't care unless you're the one shagging. It's actually completely normal to talk about it too openly because we are just a bunch of nosy busy bodies anyway if we don't know we will find out. Like how my Uncle Isengrim III murdered his wife because of huge argument and tried to cover it up but instead got impeached as the Thane for his indiscretion, he's been spending the past ten years in prison and he'll spend another ten before he's eligible for parole." I mentioned offhandedly. While I heard several gasps from the dwarves saying how vulgar that was I really didn't care public sex was allowed as long  as both parties agreed to it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

              Believe me our kind doesn't stand rape or drugged sex either usually this includes a arrest. Putting this thought of the back of my mind remembering Odin Greenbay coming at me late at night with a screwdriver trying to kill me when I refused his offer of a "good time" I called him a creep and told him no he flew into a rage. Lucky my kind doesn't require women wear dresses not anymore it changed quickly which meant I could move freely without tripping over my dress then Peregrin "Pippin" Greenbay came and beat the everliving snot out of his elder twin brother. Odin Greenbay's another reason I avoid any and all physical relationships.     

 

 

 

 

 

 

             "It had to do with him not caring for his sister or me, she brought up my mother's agreement with Mister Náin and his wife and he went nuts. He was very brutal to what he did next." I said cringing t the last part remembering the trial very vividly. That is something I never really needed a mental image of ever considering I found him cleaning up his mess not long after he did it he came after me with his steak knife in one hand sword in the other (though to anyone else it would be little more than a dagger).  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 "I really don't want to talk about it." I said ending the conversation grimacing. They exchanged looks like they were curious but didn't want to pressure me into saying anything more. A wise choice as I didn't want to ruin my appetite or my mood for the rest of the day. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Shire was a lot more advanced in the medical field than most gave us credit for what we lacked in brawn we made up for in brains, that's not to say all of us were very smart or nice though we treated guests nicely unless you were the Sackville-Bagginses who broke the host-to-guest rule a lot of times thus they weren't invited to anything except serious holiday events ,federal holidays some may call them.

 

 

 

 

 

           

 

       "My mom was named a dwarf-friend by Náin and so was my dad. He moved the dwarf to tears of joy I hear." I said changing the subject suddenly becoming a lighter toned conversation, leaving out the why it's truly for the best.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

             "I hadn't expected that from a halfling." Thorin said I personally told him not to call me a halfling a dozen or more times and he continues to call me such. Just to irk me I brazenly told him repeatedly he's a halfling too for calling our folk that with a devil-may-care attitude. That's when he started cursing me out in Khuzdul that was just yesterday. I did enjoy that vaguely.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

             "Oi! Idiot with golden rocks for brains, do not call me a halfling again or I will shave you while you sleep after I spike your food with sleeping draught so you stay asleep and don't wake up while I'm shaving you." I snapped at the leader and future king unafraid of any repercussions because knowing my luck by the end of this they'll all hate me, try to kill me and probably banish me as well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

               I didn't lack sense I just said things that a ordinary person wouldn't say to such a noble despite him being a king without a kingdom or a crown for that matter. I didn't care much for that. I just didn't appreciate being seen as nothing except a pest and dead weight they refused to let me help for any reason.

 

 

 

 

                  That and the ponies gait was something I was used it while it didn't make me ache it still annoyed after all wasn't like the sliepnia's own gait known for being a "five-gaited" breed making it easy for it to adapt its gait to nearly every terrain. For riding experience I was used to either sliepnia or terror birds, terror birds especially the large ones were built for speed and you needed a specialty saddle to ride one. Do not ride a terror bird bareback its worse than riding a ostrich I've tried that the ostrich damn near killed me. It was hilarious to watch but not fun for me it was very cool looking yes but it will come back to haunt you. I preferred sliepnia to normal ponies they were far cooler looking if not a bit more fickle in training them not to try and kill someone they don't like then are gentler with children surprisingly and are used often as therapy ponies/horses (they come in two sizes pony and horse sized if your a hobbit that difference is big).

 

 

 

 

 

                       I didn't like how everyone seemed to see me as a expendable object who's people's culture wasn't at all related to their own. The fact that these fools probably didn't even know sliepnia or terror birds existed at all except in their wildest dreams proved a point as well and just to keep my mouth shut about the subject was a struggle. A sliepnia was prized for its spirit they were "unbreakable" and  thusly were treated as equals they were with us throughout my kinds Wandering Days, unfortunately they also were carriers for a virus that horses had no immunity to....     

 

 

 

 

 

 

             "What?!!!" Thorin half roared. He was furious at me insinuating that I was going to not only drug him but do him a great dishonor by shaving his short  beard that he keeps short for some personal reason where his brother Frerin doesn't not anymore. That and his wife told him to grow it out for reasons I found quite amusing to hear Lily Brackenberry was only a dwobbit herself but was a force to be reckoned with some would argue that she is a force of nature herself which is probably the main reason Frerin married her. They were a couple the kind of relationship they had is like the  kind my parents had before they died. A epic love story for them and something for the ages to aspire to somehow get in a relationship like that.  Something I believe firmly enough that I will never get no matter what I do despite having a little bit of a eye for Thorin I had to hide it for obvious reasons. Other than the fact that could barely resist Thorin he was good looking but he wasn't at all charming in any way. Thorin's eye candy I'll give him that but his personality was that of a very grumpy alligator snapping turtle, his snootiness was off-putting, and generally he was in a position that I as a citizen of the Shire could not obtain Jarl of my people or not. Not that I would want it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

               Dwarves for all I know could personally not allow normal everyday people to marry their Lords or kings for that matter which meant I didn't have a chance either way at him he would probably not marry any way and I will enjoy my life being permanently alone. How boring, this however was not this is the most fun I've had in years.       

            I enjoyed making his life terrible because he would do the same to me and basically said I was useless more than once I told him to stop brooding (when he was in a brooding mood earlier that week) like a useless lump of rock and go help his nephews before one of them gets bit by some snake or something stupid. He despises me for having not type of respect for his status I told him that status won't save you from yourself or others nor will it keep you alive.

 

 

 

 

 

       "Oh I'm sorry I didn't realize the snotty little aristocrat was deaf-er than Oin!" I snapped the fact I said that to his face left him reeling. Again seriously he needs to learn to process this and come up with  better comeback or any comebacks at all. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

          "Being snooty to those outside your race won't do you any favors it makes you look bad by the way. If you would prefer me not comparing you to a damnable wood elf I suggest you stop calling me halfling or I will hold up on that end of the bargain." I added to that I rendered the dwarf completely speechless for the rest of the day while he processed what I just said. He was such a drama queen. A handsomely snobbish, snooty aristocrat who ruins his looks by being a rude dwarf to everyone who isn't a dwarf probably out of habit, I don't think he has a concept of manners. 

 

* * *

          The troll accident:                    

            The trolls had somehow upturned a tree after stealing four horses we saw them steal another two while it made its way back to camp, male trolls the main cook is blind in one eye, the one with the nasally voice had a cold or bad allergies has a bone saw-like knife on its hip. The one who stole the ponies had a filleting knife that as it sat down began sharpening on a rock that wasn't a whetstone -idiots. The cook a troll named Bert seemed to be the smartest of all of them if not the most disgusting cook she had ever seen. All four trolls towered over most dwarves and most men, even elves were shorter than them. William was the one with the bad allergies and the nasally voice and was the most beat up of the trolls mostly by Bert she almost felt bad for the pitiful creature, _almost._  The other who was sharpening his filleting knife was Tom, Bert had a ladel and was stirring the disgusting pot of unmentionables.

 

 

 

 

 

                       "I hate Fili and Kili, well mostly Fili because he's all looks and no brains brings us blondes a bad name that he does. Barn owl and brown owl indeed." I grumbled the last trolls I dealt with were female and relatively easier to talk to apparently I got a vibe that they came from the Huggins family of trolls. The local ninjas spoke of the family with great fear and any one who encounters them should keep them taking till daylight that was the only surefire way to kill them. Preferably permanently. I ignored the troll males inane conversation, brothers yes these trolls were brothers. It became apparent to me to later inform the ninjas once this quest is over to add to the ninja bestiary that "female trolls are bloody geniuses compared to their dimwitted counterparts due to their natural ability to care for young effectively this causes their use of effective speech and planning equal to that of your average man they are also easier to broker a deal with for your life".

 

 

 

 

 

 

                      Keeping a close eye on them making sure none of them sees me sneaking around or in my general direction. I shushed the pony's when they recognized me using my inherent ability from my father's family to calm and talk to animals. Keeping them quiet about my presence, this ability can also turn people into animals temporarily but only a animal curse can keep someone in a specific animal form for long periods of time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                        I forgot one tiny detail. I had no knife to cut the thick ropes,opps. I dropped the ball on that one and I realized the pony's to successfully escape the full grasp of these male trolls they would have to be turned into stone or likewise made into very ugly large lawn ornaments. That's going to be a problem.

 

 

 

 

 

         As I tried to take the troll Tom's knife he grabbed me while he was shouting about something to do with nibbling on flesh.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                         "Ohh! Lookie here I got something it's wiggling an everything!" Tom shouted after using me as a tissue. My necklace snapped before making the illusion drop turning me back into being a normal sized female hobbit. Lucky for me that I used magic to also temporarily increase my strength for a male that bonus was now very useless.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                          "What are you?" Bert demanded. 

 

 

 

 

 

           "A burglar- ah hobbit." I stammered. Worst answer ever. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

           "A burgahobbit? Are their anymore wiggling round these parts?" Bert demanded. By now I realized that he could tell I was female he probably could taste my monthlies considering I was on mine. I know trolls have an sense of smell when it comes to pheromones like that he could very easily make out he grinned nastily they were infamous for cooking up non-trolls on their period because they tasted better. My heart was in my throat.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

           

        "No none." I squeaked. Great my necklace is on the ground with the leaf litter in the camp and you can tell by my voice and obvious  assets (I have been told by many of my ex's that my boobs looked ready to burst from my top). This is an exaggeration I assure you of that truth by all means my shirt did fit me quite adequately despite the former just being a illusion just before my necklace snapped off.

 

 

 

 

 

                   I probably should have changed it to chain too late now really but I simply didn't have time to do that. Reality made my shirt fit perfectly as it didn't change what sex I was it just changed what they saw and felt if I was on top of them literally. That's when the illusion failed while it made it easier to walk around unnoticed instead of actually being close to someone like this. Considering that sixty years ago I would have been considered a drag king for being a woman dressing as a male with illusion magic to make it virtually unnoticeable. I don't do touchy feely feelings like romance not since Odin Greenbay tried to kill me 11 months ago with a screwdriver no not your typical blade not that you have to be a complete idiot and do that! Odin currently is serving a life sentence at a maximum security prison where the highest security prison has a unique method of keeping security tight. Every two weeks the guards rotation is scrambled so they take different routs but seniority will always have the same routes for safety's sake so they don't catch on.   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

       "She's lying hold her toes over the tire make her squeal." William growled.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Ummm, I wouldn't feel it anyway you clot head so go ahead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   "Drop her!" The voice of Fili, Kili and Thorin rang in unison they were enraged as the whole company ganged up on the one that had me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 "Wot?" Bert asked stupidly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I said drop her!" Thorin bellowed the troll threw me at Kili after he swung his wrist a bit in a circular motion testing the swing. I turned into a phoenix rectifying myself before landing turning back just as the dwarves rushed forward attacking them with just anger.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Screams, the shattering of teeth, bone cracking, roars not unlike a tiger's roar in pain as metal hit troll flesh they likely had a few rare meals that put up this much of a fight. Impressive  display of dwarven prowess in battle all the more reason to help them  out.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

          "We got this mistress!" I burned the ropes and ordered the pony's to head back to the corral and stay their until I say otherwise be their wargs or not.  Bert and another troll grabbed me by my one arm another did the same each held me by both my leg and arm. I had few options in a split decision I undid the hundreds of seals on my power that limited my spells to a manageable level until I needed full access to my mana a very easy thing to do in very little time and turned into a chimeric snake a venomous constrictor. I began to coil around both of their arms at least until I heard two snaps of bone and both trolls squealing like babes did I let go and fall to the floor slithering very quickly away into the underbrush securing the ponies in their pen before returning to see the dwarves corner all three until the tables turned and they used what little brain they had to trick us all including myself into getting caught.

 

 

 

 

 

 

        "Its been great guys. Fili you're the best big brother I could've had." Kili told Fili like we were going to die.

 

 

 

 

 

 

       "Same thing here you my best little brother." Fili confirmed it made me snap I had to think I needed a plan. A trolls weakness is: Sunlight they'll turn to stone if they are in it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

           "None of this would have happened if you two morons hadn't been playing around in the dirt like five year old tots instead of actually watching the pony's like you were supposed to; like your prideful, arrogant gold and silver on the brain Uncle asked you overgrown children to do! You bloody insults for Durins! Damn you both to the depths and oblivion!" I snarled at the two who looked at me wide eyed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

          "Were is Bilbo?" Thorin demanded of the two lads his eyes widened he looked around seeing no hobbit in sight except for me. Was it me or did he focus on me very quickly? Their was an emotion that flashed over them for a moment that I couldn't identify right now. They clouded his blue eyes for a moment as his lip trembled as he looked at me,was that fear in his eyes?    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    "We sent him after the ponies...he isn't here." Fili blubbered worried that he got eaten too dumb to realize yet when 'he' was a 'she'.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

      "If we make it out of here alive we'll talk about this later." Thorin seemed furious as his nephews lack of maturity. This seemed more towards the Thorin I knew constantly angry at me for berating him as he did to me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    "Kili you know better, your the smart one your brother Fili he's the dumbass and a general insult to all blondes! You cowardly bastard said you were right behind me! You are about as intelligent as these trolls right here. No you might be dumber than them, by all means you can't formulate a strategy to save your life." I snapped ruthlessly. They both flinched at my fury I doubted the realized who I was yet but their words stung like a hard smack to the face stinging and all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

            "Shut your gob!" Bert threatened. Taking Tom's knife saw thing and pointing it at me apparently losing his patience with me deciding I was probably going to be either gutted right now or eaten alive. I acted quickly foreseeing such an action wasn't easy to counter ,but with the right tools you can counter it quite effectively.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

        "Gliepnir!" I called to my mystical bracelets back at camp. These magical bracelets were unique because of what they could summon. In turn when I needed to  through this I could summon gliepnir the strongest magical chains in existence which are unbreakable. Funny thing they glowed only the chain was as thin as a ribbon yet a chain it was noticeably for the instant it glowed green once when I set them on the trolls allowing them to move freely, but not harm anyone else. The chains when I called their name again would return to their bracelets.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

              "DAWN TAKE YOU ALL!" Gandalf shouted with his typical flair cracking the bolder in two.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

       "I didn't expect dwarves to fight like that though it was very impressive." I mentioned several of the dwarves puffed up with pride of being compliment for their fighting skill by a lady even though I was covered in troll snot.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

              "Thank you milady," the company of dwarves said after being fully off the spit and out of danger.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

             "Guess my mother didn't exaggerate." I said quietly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

        "Who are you?" Thorin asked me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

        "Belladonna B. Baggins the second, at your service master Thorin." I said he was confused he never once mentioned his name when he saw me as a lady.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

        "How do you know my name? More precisely why did you make it sound my nephews put a female in danger for a  bunch of ponies? They know better and their mother would skin them alive if she found out." Thorin asked me growing more confused by the minute.

 

 

 

 

 

                "If and when she finds out. And believe me she will." Dwalin said after getting out of that tight spot. Getting his armor and the rest of his clothes that the trolls discarded in a messy pile nearby lucky for him they were intact.  

 

 

 

 

           "Not every race see's their women as precious. We are simply _expendable_ the likelihood of having any male children is so low that our male to female ratio is so vastly different that we have to have children outside our race or choose to not procreate at all." I told the dwarf simply.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

          "Besides not a single dwarf I've met wanted any children to my piece of work they were one night stands and they left while I was sleeping. Said I was too bald for their tastes." I mentioned it bothered me deep down. It made me feel less than who I already was, but I stayed firm and I will remain firm even if it means I spend the rest of my days alone. A terrifying prospect for a species that is actually more endangered than dwarves currently are. Their are more dwarves alive than their are hobbits in the shire or Buckland I didn't mention that to anyone because really who want's to be reminded that one wrong step and your species will be driven into extinction and no one will bother to remember you or your kind.

 

 

 

 

           I  had enough turning away to get a bath in the nearby river after getting my spare set of clothes. I took a cake of soap and began to strip and unbind my breast's discarding it on a nearby rock washing myself thoroughly on the surprisingly warm water before doing the same to my coat shirt and trousers drying off with my magic. Ordinarily I wouldn't do that with my skin but I didn't want to as I wrung out the water from my hair on a nearby boulder. At least my hair wasn't snot covered anymore and clean not gleaming like it would be with oils but it's close enough as I'll get for now until Rivendell. I heard someone coming from the forest line wearing boots obviously these dwarves had the same concept of stealth that men did which is none.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

               "You have no concept of being quiet at all do you? Or do you wish to scare everything away with your tromping?" I said loudly not daring to turn around because they knew they could be heard. So they couldn't even remain quiet while walking how do these fellows even hunt? With all that tromping its hard to say then again they don't have seven meals a day. They don't know about that particularity of our race its just another reason we get stared at by the Big Folk I'm dying to ask a elf from Rivendell "how's the weather up their" for fun. Sometimes its funny to see how they might react I want to see how Lord Elrond would react. That would be even more halarious I know Uncle Herleifr and Uncle Liulfr if they saw it would get a kick out of it. Also considering how their raising my kid brother Draco Baggins makes them very close to the Baggins family besides I love them they are my favorite uncles even if technically they are adopted it doesn't matter to us he is still family blood relation doesn't matter. They both are beloved by the Took and Baggins clan. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

              "Mistress I'm sorry but you nev-eer" Thorin began trailing off oddly for some reason. He caught sight of the scarring on my back from the explosion that nearly killed me and the surgery scars that saved my life by stopping internal bleeding among other things.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

            "Mistress why do you have so many scars on your back?" Thorin breathed he sounded concerned I doubt that his brow wasn't furrowed in consternation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

        "Its a long story." I sighed. I never liked telling it either it wasn't a easy story to tell not without crying only the story of being in the Dourhand dungeons that is a story that I had to tell either while I was very,very drunk or I can't have anything on my stomach while telling it. Their is also the chance that I would have to be half dead to tell it anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    "I've got time." Thorin said as I turned halfway to face him. He blushed the blush made his ears turn red quite an attractive color especially for him then again I was nude. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

      "You don't -" I was surprised shocked my in several bounds he was right next to me a feral need in his eyes. I knew that look all too well he was aroused as usual for dwarves the moment they see my naked body that seems to send them into primal drive. Their need their urge to currently fuck a willing woman over road all reason all common sense.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

         He kissed me on my lips so masterfully that the rest of my mind was turned to putty this didn't happen often it became hazy at best. He was very good at kissing a master I would say. It the fact his manhood was now erect in his pants was anything to go by his body wanted me as much as his everything wanted me. He dragged his lips down to my ear I groaned in pleasure closing my eyes. I heard him grumble what I suspected to be a purr like a very -big cat or was that me? I didn't care to know as it was over far too soon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

              "UNCLE!" Fili roared at Thorin who was brought only vaguely out of his stupor. I assume it was a stupor because he barely acknowledged them until they spoke.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

           "What?!" He snapped uncharacteristically his voice cracked for probably the first time in a century. He turned his head away from me finding several dwarves on the shore of the small body of water.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                "Well that's a compromising situation." Nori chuckled a smirk on his face, so typical of the thief. He would make a good spy I would think so at least.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

              "Can you care to explain this Thorin Oakenshield the second!??" Balin was righteously furious. Thorin was half out of it surprising even Balin the only way a dwarf is half out of it is when he find his other half and is having a make out session with him or her, and the feeling is like being subject to euphoria each and every time for a dwarf. It never grows old and is how a older dwarf can continue to perform where as a elf loses his libido after the reigning millennium a dwarf living a good two hundred years can easily impregnate someone at least once should he choose it. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

           "My One, I have found you." he told me kindly ignoring them the love and kindness in his eyes was surprising. It was slightly unnerving as this side of him was kind of creepy but nice in a way better than the usual way he acts around me. His fingers ran through my wet hair passing over my ear I groaned in pleasure our ears were more sensitive than most even elves. Then again their ears aren't able to move naturally like ours are.

 

 

 

 

 

 

            He was being more charming than I ever thought the dwarf being capable of he was gentle far more gentle than the other dwarves I have had dalliances with, men, hobbits, and even elves were hardly as gentle as he was. He was aware of his strength and he was aware that he could hurt me acting accordingly  so he was gentle but didn't treat me as if I was made of glass. A welcome change compared to my other ex's and my former stalker who often were too rough one elf even during a verbal fight dragged his knuckles across my face. He broke my jaw as a result of this action I'm lucky that it reset as well as it did mostly because I went to the hospital to have it reset and healed via magic which meant my jaw wouldn't need to be wired shut.         

 

 

 

 

 

           "Thorin stop." I ordered I felt drunk, _why did he taste like sweet mead?_ I wondered.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                   "Why do you taste like sweet mead?" I asked bluntly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                    "For our kind that's a sign from Mahal that two people who are One's have found their other half. It's also Mahal's blessing on a marriage with possible future children involved." Thorin explained carefully his eyes never left me. I watched as the four dwarves left us and he looked at me with a  strange lustful look. I knew what it meant and what it led to next... 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sliepnia pony's are like the icelandic horse in gait, but considering their extra legs they are appropriately fickle. Over 12 hours of editing and this is the final product.  
> I edited and deleted some things added more irrelevant detail at the beginning to make the plot run smoother. Also the mushroom detail is new I liked it, it added a new layer of contempt Thorin holds for the hobbit making a scene. Thorin obviously has a problem with people who question authority so far our beloved main character is capable of pushing all the right buttons adding a new layer that I will leave for the next chapter. I might have overdone some pieces of this ah well it happens. Fixed some grammar a lot of it, and spelling errors I kept misspelling Onyx's name too. More grammar fixes to come later just to make it an easier read.  
> Edit & Update: Gah! I lost the internet halfway through making this chapter run smoother with the next chapter because if I posted the next chapter right now it wouldn't make any sense at least if I did. I got most of it written down, considering this is a two parter its going to be part of a series I think when I'm done. I like where its going so far.

**Author's Note:**

> Its a short one.  
> I own nothing.


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